Well, you might be pleased to know, I survived the “double-fisting” of Storm Isha and Storm Jocelyn and now I find myself gazing longingly out of McKelvey’s front room window at the sunniest day in what seems like forever…so I am sure you’ll forgive me for bashing out this week’s musings sharpish.
Luckily help is at hand from the lovely people at journoresearch.org (any port in a storm), who, in a desperate effort to get some media coverage (any port in a storm, again), have jumped aboard Jose Mourinho’s sacking to investigate his career options by investigating which football managers would enjoy the biggest payday if they decided to set up an OnlyFans account.
Now, like most people who seem to read this column, I am constantly looking for a new job (just don’t told tell the boss) so, perhaps unsurprisingly, I was intrigued to find out the results of this in-depth and highly scientific study.
You see, by analysing a selection of high profile current and recent football managers who have verified Instagram profiles, the firm used “marketing calculators” – whatever they are – to see how each “gaffer” could perform on the sex video sharing site if they set up an account.
Apparently, Instagram influencers can expect up to 8% of their followers to follow them to OnlyFans and pay for a subscription. And, drum roll, based on a monthly subscription of £5, Zinedine Zidane is the manager who would enjoy the biggest OnlyFans payday of up to £13.5m every month, thanks to his hefty Instagram following of 42.2 million people.
The potential monthly earnings also include OnlyFans’ 20% commission, but still dwarf Zidane’s entire annual salary in his most recent spell in charge at Real Madrid, which was reported to be around £10.3m.
The study’s second biggest potential earner on OnlyFans was found to be – brace yourselves – former Birmingham City manager Wayne Rooney, who is followed by more than 16 million people on Instagram, and could therefore expect to earn as much as £5.2m a month. Real Madrid manager Carlo Ancelotti ranks in third place, with 13.6 million Instagram followers netting him £4.3m a month, followed by Steven Gerrard (11.7 million followers, £3.74m) and Xavi (11.6m followers, £3.71m).
Interestingly, the “Special One” is in ninth place, with “only” 3.9 million followers and a potential income of £1.2m from showing his bits. Shame.
A spokesperson for Footy Accumulators said: “Top managers will often make fans get excited, although it’s usually through playing good football and winning trophies. But this study shows that there is an opportunity for elite coaches to add a significant additional stream to their income if they wanted to let fans see what goes on beyond the dugout. It definitely brings a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘sexy football’.”
All of which got me thinking, what could some leading lights in the world of marketing journalism possibly earn if they made the switch from Instagram to OnlyFans?
Well, don’t hold your breath. Even if you combine the accounts of Creative Salon‘s Jeremy Lee (488 followers), Sonoo Singh (668) and Claire Beale (503), with Campaign‘s Maisy McCabe (71) and Gideon Spanier (71), and Marketing Week‘s Russell Parsons (23) with The Drum‘s Gordon Young (123), you get a total of 1,947 – add in my massive following and you might just scrape to 2,000.
With the “marketing calculators” predicting that an Instagram influencer can expect up to 8% of their followers to follow them to OnlyFans and pay for a £5 subscription, that equates to 160 people paying a fiver each. Subtract the site’s 20% commission and you get a grand total monthly income of £640 for all eight of us.
Mind you, that’s more than I get here…where do I sign up?
You can now follow Foxy on Twitter and Instagram (although don’t expect too much)
